Gearing Up For A Garage Sale?

It's garage sale season. Yipee! I've observed some strange garage sales here in our neighbourhood. The signs are usually misspelled and not in a creative way. I did see a velvet Elvis the other day sitting oh so lonely next to a retro 50's brass chandelier. Prospects are good I guess, but they've seen nothing yet. Our garage sales are filled with spectacular finds (usually taken from my Dad's basement). Can't wait for the garage sale season to begin.  I compiled a little bit of my thoughts on the subject as well as some helpful tips. 

I figure if a garage sale (which by the way is never in your actual garage) is in the works it means you’re either broke, busted poor, or a compulsive hoarder who can no longer navigate around the decaying cat corpses littering your trash covered floors. Or you’re a desperate combination of both...just because you’re inviting countless hobos and neighbors onto your yard to judge your meager trifles of a life poorly lived doesn’t necessarily mean you're clueless. It takes a real mentor to show you the ropes. As I have learned some helpful tips from my Dad, I will grace you with his wisdom. 
1. Make your junk look real good-like
              No one wants to shop your massive collection of D&D books/figurines or your unlimited amount of kitchen roosters if you’ve just dumped them on your ant infested, weedy lawn.  Properly displaying your goods it the key to a good sale. 
Use your store quality display racks to actually display your garage sale stuff. Don’t have store quality display racks?  Are you sure you have enough good things to warrant a whole garage sale? Are you really serious about this?
Ok.  Fine.  Buy or steal some store quality display racks.  Use your mafioso connections if necessary. In the total and complete absence of store quality display racks, dump your stuff on unidentifiable stained blankets.  No one’s going to care by this point, anyway.

2.Greet your patrons with a British accent. 
         Even the people who already know you're not British. The British are straight classy and that's a fact. Your accent doesn't have to be good or consistent. Do you think people shopping for dishes off of a blanket know the difference? Heck, go Australian, but say you're from Liverpool. Tell everyone you're a spy or a Beatle (just don't be Paul cause he a muppet). What do they know? I know in my neighbourhood they wouldn't. 
3. Serve some sort of food item.
     That's all.
4. Price everything according to the year it was manufactured. 
     So for instance. A pair of panties made in July 1996 would be $.71996. If you don't know when something was manufactured, assume it was July 18, 1977, which was the day Vietnam joined the UN.
Here's a fun trick: when people come to your garage sale, tell them they're on your economy now. In your economy, it's a maracas currency. They can buy a red silky cravat for 2.5 maracas. If they tell you they don't have any maracas, tell them "off with your heads! and then run away laughing loudly. Duh obviously if you have a silky cravat you're in the wrong neighbourhood. Oh wait, not in my neighbourhood. 

5. Hire Entertainment

      Remember that movie Xanadu with Olivia Newton John? A regular clothing shopping expedition turned in to a neon dance extravaganza, with punks on roller skates and the worst vocals ever. Well hire Stryper to entertain and you'll get just that. At least you wont have to buy balloons to draw attention, their clothes will do the trick. They will fit right in my area of the valley. Wow we are so diverse here. 

6. Keep your racist knick knacks under wraps. 
       Why do you have these in the first place? Don't think for one second that anyone is going to buy your old Aunt Jemima syrup bottles or anything that once seemed iconic like that. Racism was never "in" By the way her real name was Nancy. 
So don't just not sell your relics of an uglier time in American history, hide them. The last thing you need is neighbours discovering your bigoted eBay purchases, or how well you've lovingly cared for them. Goodness sakes, don't even think about wearing your "whites only tea party" t-shirt you had made for your last rally. 
That was really racist of you by the way. 
So, I look forward to meeting up with you at your garage sale and I sure hope you come to mine. Remember these important tips and you're surely have a successful garage sale day. 
     
  PEACE!